Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
