So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
