why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Randomize
