watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
