mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
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