im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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