i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
