Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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