I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
