I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
