Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Randomize
