So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
