I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
