If i come over, it means nothing
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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