guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Let's paint friendship bongs
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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