My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Randomize
