i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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