They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
