Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
