my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
