Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Randomize
