I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
