stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
