Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
My brain says no but my pants say off.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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