I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
