____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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