he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Randomize
