She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
