the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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