Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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