My Higher Power is John Stamos
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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