Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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