just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
