He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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