i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
