I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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