walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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