Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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