I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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