If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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