Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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