apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
