I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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