Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
this beer tastes like vomit already
now i know why i became what i already was.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
