sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
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