I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
