Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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