U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
