Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
