So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
