Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
